The “C” Factor

Well, it has been confirmed. The big “C” has reared its ugly head again. Cancer has returned in almost the identical fashion that it did 13+ years ago. Wow! I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. I feel like I’m watching a movie that I’ve seen before. I’m still the main character although other players have changed. However, the results are bothering me much more this time around than it did the first time. It may have been because I was younger when it happened, all those years ago. My youth afforded me a kind of invincible mindset. Now, being more mature, the true gravity of my situation is in full view, the highest definition. The reality of it all keeps welling up in my mind, over and over again, like an unpredictable wave that comes and goes, only to come back again in full force.

I suppose it goes without saying that I got little to no sleep last night. I kept waking up to assure myself, that it had to be a dream. There was no way that cancer could have entered my life again. But of course, reality came crashing over me as I realized that cancer had indeed come to visit me again. I wish I could take the core of my being and my conscience mind outside of my body and view this next act of my life without having to feel all the emotions and damage that come with this kind of thing.

The gamut of emotions that I’ve experienced since I spoke with the doctor last night, have ranged any where from denial to anger, from hopefulness to despair. I must admit, I’ve even had a little pity party with no one in attendance but me. I must have asked myself at least 100 times, why this was happening to me again? Why was this recurring after all this time? Could it be that my faith wasn’t strong enough to carry me and drive my belief in God’s power to heal all things no matter how intrusive and disruptive to my world they are? I guess we could all use some improvement in the area of faith and I am certainly no exception to the rule.

Now, comes the painstaking discussions, as to how to proceed. I have pretty much deducted what my options will be, especially with this intruder returning for a second time. But knowing my options doesn’t make it any easier to arrive at any decisions. I just hope and pray that I make the right ones. It’s so hard to take myself out of the process when this whole thing is so personal. How do I remain objective in a situation like this? May God be with me, as He always is!

By Sylvia Porter-Hall

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Diane Funston
    Mar 27, 2015 @ 05:15:30

    Sylvia I am so sorry. I wish I was there with you. I will call you tomorrow if you feel like talking. I am glad you are posting again. I have been so wrapped up in my problems with my husband losing his job and our move back to Ca. Please take care and get some rest. Much love. Hugs.

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    • sporterhall
      Mar 30, 2015 @ 03:02:10

      Thank you so much Diane. It’s such a wonderful thing to have the support of friends. It means the world to me. I will be in touch sooner than you know! It appears that we could both use a chat! Looking forward to it! 🙂

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  2. karendelchamps
    Mar 27, 2015 @ 14:00:08

    Wow…the woman that has the courage to write all of this, in this raw state of just finding out, and showing to the world her physical, mental, spiritual, and existential vulnerabilities, is the woman that has more courage than she knows. I am so incredibly saddened for you for the days ahead, but I feel with every fiber of my being that you are going to come out of this stronger, better, and forever cancer free.
    You have more faith than you know right now (I’ve read your published work), and that faith will indeed sustain this trial. You are going to come out of this and into your dream life, my friend.

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    • sporterhall
      Mar 30, 2015 @ 03:08:04

      Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words Karen. In spite of all the things that keep popping up, my faith remains in tact, although it’s not an easy thing. I have to stay present and remind myself that God is still in charge and that he will indeed have the last word. Things will work out as they should. It’s nice to know I have your support and friendship Karen Delchamps. We are overdue for some chit-chat too! Hopefully, we will connect soon! 🙂

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